The day finally came. We had agreed in meeting at a TGIF in my area. I remember feeling nervous. This meeting was important. I needed his help and that is the truth. I was a single mom, almost homeless. But the main reason for me to want to see him was because I wanted to be part of his life. I wanted him to be part of my son’s life. He has been my hero all my life, even when I knew almost nothing about him. All I had for him was truly innocent, childish love.

We cried, we laughed, we talked, it was nice. It felt surreal. It has been years since I saw him that 1 day a few months after I moved to FL and before that was a few more years, by this point in my life, if my recollection is correct, I have seen my dad for a total of 5 times including this time at TGIF. On this day he shared that he is gay. When he told me, I wasn’t surprised at all. I have had my suspicions since I was a kid. He told me that he kept his distance from me because he was afraid that I was going to reject him. If I could have slapped him, I would’ve. I was so upset that that was the reason, the only reason I couldn’t spend time with him while I was growing up. I did tell him how crazy it was for him to think that. All I had was love for him and that didn’t change the way I felt about him. I saw his face and shoulders relax, I did give him a little shit about not telling me earlier ( in a joking matter, he laughed).

A few months later it was Christmas. We talked and he invited me to come over for Christmas. So I said ok and went to see them with my son. I remember I had my laundry basket in the trunk of my car lol. Got there and got to meet the famous roommate. He was super sweet with me and my son. My dad was super shy. He wasn’t sure how to act in front of his daughter and grandson I guess. That day we talked, I shared things that were happening to me at the moment. He and his partner offered to stay with them for a while until I was on my feet. I gotta tell you, I will be forever thankful to them both for helping my son and I. They gave me an opportunity to get my life together and most importantly my son was safe.

The time I was living with my dad and his partner was great. I thought I was blessed for having 2 dads this time. It was a dream come through. I was finally with my dad. The few years I was there, they helped me so much. They helped me get back on my feet. They helped me tremendously with my son. I found a job as an airline ticket counter agent. Oh how I miss those times. I was making money, my son was doing great, it finally felt like my life was on track. Then I met my amazing husband. This year will be 16 years of marriage :). I pray to God that it will continue this way until we are called to be with the lord. I remember my dad and his partner were happy that I had found a man. lol

You know what, I can’t do it this way. This blog has taken me more than 3 days to write since I started and I can’t seem to be able to calm myself down enough to give enough detail. I am so upset. So hurt, So confused, that I don’t know what I am going to do with this situation. The other day my dad came to mind, and I decided to look him up on FB. Well…. it turns out that he has blocked me. So I am like ok, Let me ask my bestfriend and see if they are still friends. She tells me nope. He has unfriended her.

I really don’t know what is going on. All I know is that I want all of this to be over. I am tired of feeling the way I do about my dad, his husband and my aunt. I don’t know why those 3 individuals treat me like I have done the most evil a human being can do. I’m tired of the Hypocrisy of my dad. When he sees me, he tells me that he loves me, that he is so proud of me and the woman I have become. Then removes himself from mylife and pushes me to the side like I’m just like a piece of trash. In a blink of an eye, he ignores me and rejects me just like that. Not a care in the world for his only daughter. All my life has been this way.

His husband stopped talking to me because he feels I turned my back on him when he was going through depression because my dad moved to a different city and was unfaithful to his partner at the time. My dad broke his heart. We used to talk to each other often for a little while. I do remember telling him that he could move in with me and my husband, fiance at the time. His response was, Thank you but I can’t. You remind me of your dad. Around that time., I was planning my wedding. I invited them both. I too was going through some things. I got pregnant on our honeymoon and during my 1st trimester I almost had a miscarriage and I missed the wedding of my best friend. I do recall trying calling my dad’s partner a few times but didn’t get through. I just focused on what was going on in my life. During this time, I remember having a few phone calls with my aunt about my dad’s partner, but don’t remember what the conversation was about. It was definitely not something to stop talking to someone, but I guess it happened, because she also doesn’t talk to me.

What I hate the most about all of this, is that not one of them has the guts to act like an adult and talk to me. Tell me in my face, WHAT DID I DO WRONG? What is so horrific, that you stop talking to your own blood? LOL I was not even allowed to go inside my dad’s house while in town for my grandma’s funeral because my dad’s husband didn’t want me there. Ohhh but wait…… Guess who told me I was not allowed inside the house? My own dad. Can you believe that? I am a mother of two, and I can’t imagine doing the same to my kids, as my dad has done to me. All I am left with is my own thoughts, and that is that my dad never wanted me. Marrying my mom was a cover up from him being gay. It was a mistake when she got pregnant with me because I was not part of the plan. So since the day I was conceived, I have been rejected by him.

I am so upset that I loved him so much even though he did not. Fake ass I Love you, Im proud of you. He should have been an actor, cause he did a pretty good act with me. I am done. I have to start protecting myself and my family from these toxic individuals. I’m done being a doormat, allowing them to treat me as they please.

You know that I even look into removing him from my birth certificate but you can’t. I don’t want anything to do with him. I don’t want anything from him. 

I know I am acting like a child, but thi is something that has affected me alot and I am desperate to move on from all of this. This is why I am writing. I need to be able to forgive them. Only God knows.

This topic is hard for me to speak about because it really hurts. It’s the one topic that has super deep roots. So, I will try my best to transfer my emotion and memories to this writing. Well, a little background about me, I was born and raised in Puerto Rico. Ok, That was it LOL. Back in the day, things were a little different. I am not sure exactly what happened but a little after I was born, my parents divorced.

All I know is that my dad was in the military. He was going to be relocated to somewhere in Europe. My mom didn’t want to move because she was afraid of being by herself in a country she didn’t know anyone. I think she was pregnant with me at this time. Also that my dad was notified when I was going to be born so he could be there and he chose not to come. So he missed my birth. This is all I know.

I remember when growing up, I thought about my dad alot. I saw him as a hero, my hero. My mom used to talk to me alot about him. My memories of him that I remember, started when I was around 6 years old. I remember receiving a few phone calls and sometimes birthday cards on my birthday from him. When I received the birthday cards and opened them, I remember a particular smell. I used to say to my mom, “Mom, it smells like the United States’ ‘ lol. I Loved that smell LOL. I always held a very special place in my heart for my dad. Even though I haven’t met him yet, I really really LOVED him. LOL one time, I was really upset with my mom. I think I was like 6 or 7 years old. She told me I had to clean my room or something like that. I got soooo upset with her, I told her that I didn’t want to live with her and that I was moving in with my dad. I packed my clothes and placed them inside a few black bags and walked outside. Then I realized, I didn’t have any money and I was just a kid. Uhhhh I was so upset LOL. That is how much I loved a man that I haven’t met yet. Thinking about these memories brings back those feelings, The pure love from an innocent child.

The 1st time I met my dad, if I am not mistaken, was on my 5th grade graduation. My grandma (his mom) made my beautiful, puffy,pink dress. She was an absolutely fantastic seamstress. Well, she was great at everything. She passed away a few years ago. I remember my graduation took place in my classroom. It was a small class. I was sitting down on the front row, listening to the ceremony. My name got called and I stood up to get my diploma and I happened to look to the back of the room and I saw this figure standing right in the middle of the door. Wearing his Navy gala uniform. LOL, man, I still remember the feeling that a 7 year old girl felt, when she saw her dad for the 1st time. I just knew it was him. I remember the look on his face. He had a big smile. I immediately took off running and gave him the biggest hug ever. That moment was one of the best. He looked so good on his uniform too. I felt so proud to have my dad there. You know, It was my time to show the other kids that I did have a dad and he was awesome. He was a soldier SMH LOL. I gotta say that I was no fan of the daddy and daughter dance. Always made me sad, but I understood that my mom and dad couldn’t be together.

After our meeting, I remember talking to him here and there. It wasn’t often, Probably a few times a year. Our conversations were fun. I was a little girl on the phone with her dad, leaving that moment in the clouds LOL. He always used to ask me how I was doing. How was school? and he used to say that his roommate said hello. I thought it was really nice. Then time continued to pass, and my dad still had the same roommate. I really didn’t think any of it when I got a little older and was able to make an opinion on my own and I seriously didn’t care. I still loved him no matter what. I didn’t say anything. I wanted him to come to me and tell me whenever he was ready and again, I really didn’t care.

So, in 1994 My mom decided to move to the United States. We had a family member that offered to let my mom move to the US and stay with her until she gets on her feet. So, at the age of 15 we moved to Florida. Uhhhhhhhhhh I was not a happy teenager at all. I waa not a big fan of my mom. I left home, my bestfriend and my boyfriend. I was heartbroken. Now that I am an adult, I thank my mom for that scary decision she made. Thank you mom. As a single mother. Moving to a different country, it was scary and not easy but she made it happen.

After my 5th graduation, I saw my dad for my 9th grade graduation. I remember going shopping with him for a bathing suit and he bought me a black mossimo bikini. My very 1st one, thank you very much. I loved it lol. At the end of my 9th grade graduation, We moved to Florida. I saw my dad a few months after we moved to Florida and I was 15 years old. Time continues to move forward. I continued to grow and go through changes and my dad was not there. I don’t remember talking to him. Then in December of 1999 I found myself being a single mom of a beautiful 3 year old son. I was not doing well. I was literally homeless. I remember thinking about my dad and how I needed him at that moment. I needed his support because I felt so lost. I called grandma and told her that I needed my dad. That I wanted him to meet his grandson and I want to get to know him. That I was 21 years old and I was tired of not spending time with him. If I remember correctly, grandma called my dad and told him about me and then I received a call from him. We talked, I told him I wanted to see him and for him to be part of my family and his grandson. We decided on a date to meet and place.

To be Continued

I have finally overcome the fear of the aftermath from depression. It feels great. It feels like a ton of weight has been lifted up. I feel free. Achieved. I was under the impression that people were going to not talk to me because I ghosted them. I guess I was kind of embarrassed and didn’t know what and how to say, ” I’m sorry I ghosted you, but I was going through my own personal hell and I needed to check out from the real world to go ahead and deal with my own demons”. That was something I never thought I’d be saying. But it is the truth, my truth. So this morning, I woke up thinking about my friends and it was weighing on me that I needed to reach out and apologize. In reality I didn’t have to apologize, I could have just given a short explanation and leave at that, but I am not like that. I care about everyone. I treat others with kindness and respect. At least I try my best. That is why when I literally disappeared into my own little darkness without a word, it made me feel bad. They had no idea what was going on. Possibly they felt some kind of way and that was not my intention at all. I had to apologize to them. So I was pretty nervous this morning typing the message. I decided to send a group message on FB and told them what my heart wants it to tell them. I took a deep breath and clicked send. I literally stopped breathing for a few seconds.

Now I was just waiting. walking back and forward looking at the screen LOL. Opening the app and then closing it LOL. I’m telling you, I am a mess LOL. Then I got my 1st reply. OMG, my heart stopped, no kidding. It literally stops. I snapped myself out of it. Took a deep breath. With one eye open, I scanned the message LOL. I don’t know what I was expecting but it was good. It was sweet. I cried, and it felt great. It was like 1000 lbs had been lifted. The messages kept coming and they were all sweet, supportive, and loving.

Fear is a powerful thing as well and it’s one of the biggest factors of depression. If it wasn’t for my fear of rejection and because I am also an overthinker, I think I would have come to them a long time ago, but I am happy that it happened when I was completely ready. Thank you God.