Last year around September, depresion came knocking at my door and stupid me, I allowed it to come in. Yes, I say allow it to come in because I do believe that we have the strength to control our thoughts and emotions to a certain level. It is hard, don’t get me wrong, but not impossible. Anyways, I did allow myself to fall into it. Now thinking about it, at that moment in my life, I had the perfect condition for the perfect storm. There were too many situations happening in my life at the moment with people around me (I will not elaborate on anything because that’s their story to tell). A very delicate situation was going on with with my son. Some of my family members were going through some problems and of course my own. Nothing unusual, we all go through our own things. You will think, these are things that we all go through and deal with every day. One thing you don’t know about me, is that I am like a sponge. I take to heart other people’s problems and make them my own. It helps me understand the person better. I love helping others any way possible. That is Just me being me.

So, I decided to entertain my sadness for a little bit. I will be fine in a day or two. You know, like when you tell yourself, cry, let it all out and you will feel better, right? Ha ha ha ha, who was I kidding. A wave, nope, not a wave, it was a freaking tsunami of emotions came at me and drown me. It was so strong I couldn’t control myself. I was constantly crying, actually sobbing. I felt like I was falling deeper and deeper into this black hole that had no way out. A sense of not a care in the word came over me immediately. I was tired of fighting. I was tired of been rejected by my own blood. I was tired of life. Then all of this negative thoughts started to flood my mind. They came one after the other. No breaks in between. My mind will not shut down at all. All I heard was what an incompetent, piece of garbage I was. This was all the time.

My mind looked like a spider web. Through every string of the spider web there were voices, or memories, or thoughts coming at me from all directions and it was constantly. It was like the beat of our heart. Pum pum..Pum pum..Pum pum. Every Pum Pum was a different crap coming at me. Waking up in the middle of the night crying and worrying about my son, about my family. Thinking about what was my legacy? What have I done good in the world? Why did certain things happen to me? and so on and so on. I seriously thought I was losing it. When I was at home alone after everyone went to school or work. I walked around the house, crying, praying over myself, fighting against the negative voices that were telling me I was not worth it, or I should take myself out of this world because my family will be better off without me, and the pain I was feeling from my neck injury will immediately go away. The crazy thing about it is that I knew at some level it was not real, but it really felt so real. It was so hard not to believe it. I’ve been through this ones before but nothing like this time. Nope, not at all. It was literally hell in my mind.

To be Continued...